


Trancendence

by Dophne



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Description of child abuse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, M/M, Multi, Possessive Steve, Prophecy, Protective Steve, Reincarnation, Stony - Freeform, Tony Does What He Wants, Tony gets what he wants, Tony has a heart, not too detailed though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-13 22:08:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7139381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dophne/pseuds/Dophne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An arrogant prince dies to protect his lover. During his final moments they both prayed to the gods, the prince for the first time, and asked them of one simple favor. That they would find themselves again. That they would be together forever. Some say that at that moment a light shined off in the distance answering their prayers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I just got this idea hopefully it works out. Please read, kudos, and comment if you would like to know more!

**Transcendence**

**Chapter: Prologue**

 

There was a story a mother would tell her children as they drifted off to sleep. She would sit on the bed in their small apartment and whisper it to her daughters like it was the most precious secret. The tale she wove was one told by her family for centuries. It was a tale of heroism in the most unlikely of places. A tale of an arrogant prince who died for his lover. The tale of a prince from a long forgotten nation.

“Once upon a time,” she would start. Thus the story began…

It was raining hard on the walls of the sheds the people of the land called homes. The sat huddled in the back corners hoping that their gods would forgive them. It always rained when the gods were angry. There was always a home struck by light causing it go aflame killing those within it. They all prayed that today was not their day. Well, all except one, the arrogant prince who was heir to their throne. The soon to be chieftain, was having a wild night with multiple woman at once. He lost himself uncaring of who was watching. Their screams of pleasure were drowned out by the rain allowing him this small escape. The prince cared not for the gods or his people. All he cared about was having undeterred fun.

He was in the middle of pounding into one when he faintly heard a noise of something fall on the ground. He turned his head to glare at the intruder but stopped when he saw who it was. The shocked brown eyes of the man he called his lover stared back at him with tears beginning to swell. At that moment he felt for the first time in his life a small ounce of guilt. He pulled out of the whining whore stood up to make his way to the smaller man at the door of his room but stopped when the man bolted out of the room. The prince winced. He felt his lungs begin to constrict and suddenly it was hard to breath.

He looked at himself in the mirror that hung from the wall in front of him. There stood a man. Tall, well built and blonde, the same as his father. But his eyes belonged to his mother, the same shade blue like they were cut from the sky itself. He always starred at himself and thought only of how beautiful he looked. How strong he was. But at this moment he looked at himself with disgust. He saw a weak man who gave into temptations. Who just cared for himself when he claimed he cared for another. His lover had told him he loved him. Had asked him to be faithful to him. To not lay with another until they parted. He had agreed. And now being caught in the very act he vowed to the man…to the man that he loved…made him fill in rage at himself. How foolish he was for letting such a kind soul down. How selfish for breaking the innocence of such a naïve man. How sickening for stepping all over the man’s heart.

One of the girls wrapped her ugly arms around his naked waist pressing her bare chest against his back. Repulsed, he pushed her away, threw on some pants and ran out after his lover. He knew he waited too long and it would be hard to find him but he swore in that moment he would. He would look forever. He would hold him in his arms until his very last breath. The prince was going to love the man who he knew, even after this, still loves him.  

He ran into the rain looking around trying to find his lover. The rain was thick making it hard to see. Still he pushed forward following a barely noticeable trail of foot prints that lead out of his home and deep into the village. His breath struck. His lover’s father lived near the town square. He was abusive and if he discovered his lover in such a state he would kill him. The prince’s heart began to race in fear as he sprinted faster weaving between the buildings.

He saw it. There in the town center two figures standing in the rain. One smaller than the other. The smaller of them was kneeling on the floor his head tilting up while the other had one hand tight around the throat and the other raised with a sharp object to land the blow. The prince screamed but he could not be heard over the noise of the rain and thunder. He refused to watch the man he loved, the man who deserved so much more than he gave him, to die. With one last thought he roared forward keeping his eyes trained on the object moving towards his lover. When the blade almost made contact he pushed the smaller man away and took the blunt of the blow.

The prince felt no pain just sorrow. He began to cry telling his lover that he loved him and that he was sorry. His lover cried harder when he discovered that his prince had taken the blow instead of him. He was the worthless one. He was supposed to be dead. The prince was needed by his people. The prince was worth more than ten of him. He sobbed holding the prince close to his chest, watching as the rain uncaringly washed the prince’s blood away.

At that moment they both prayed to the gods, the prince for the first time, and asked them of one simple favor. That they would find themselves again. That they would be together forever. Some say that at that moment a light shined off in the distance answering their prayers.

 


	2. One

**Steve**

_Brooklyn, 1939_

 

Steve awoke in the middle of the night crying. He could not remember why. His breath was short and he could feel a raging heat begin to seep into his bones. It seemed like nothing he could do can shake it off. He looked around almost not recognizing his own room. His hands began to shake as he got up from his small bed.

 

There was a knock on the door. Steve looked up to find his mother standing there holding a cup of warmed milk. She smiled at him as she stepped into the room, shoving the cup into his hands. “Thanks,” he grumbled. She smiled placing her hand on his cheek.

 

“Drink,” she urged. Steve took a large sip of the drink offered. He let the warmness of the milk comfort him. It emptied too soon for his liking and grudgingly let it fall from his lips and onto the nightstand.

 

“Hey Ma,” Steve spoke up finally up as he sat on the edge of his bed, “why do I feel so sad?”

 

“I don’t know Steven,” she answered weaving her fingers into his hair like she always did when he was younger. Steve closed his eyes trying hard to regain himself again. These feelings kept growing, consuming him. Every night it felt his heart break. Every morning he felt hallowed and lost. No matter how much his mother or Bucky tried to cheer him up.

 

“I…I just want to go back to sleep,” he said laying down instantly closing her out. He heard her sigh as he turned his back to her. For a moment he felt guilt for treating her so coldly but that feeling soon vanished and the aching sadness returned.

 

Steve closed his eyes.

 

The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Bucky. Steve smiled hiding his ache behind the smile. Most people believe he doesn’t know how to hide his feelings, that he wears his heart on his sleeve, but that was far from the truth. He never bothered to hold them back.

 

“Morning sunshine,” Bucky smiled laughing when he got a pillow in the face as a reply. Steve sat up giving some space for Bucky to sit down.

 

“Don’t you have like some girl to pick up,” Steve smiled wider at his best friend. Bucky smiled back as he ruffled his hair.

 

“Nah I would rather be with you,” Bucky replied sitting down next to him.

 

“Ha, you were probably just dumped by that Tracy girl you met last Friday,” Steve chuckled.

 

“So that was her name,” Bucky rubbed his chin playfully. They smiled at each other. Bucky always had a way to cheer Steve up even a little.

 

“What time is it anyway?” Steve grumbled yawning. He tried to lie down again but Bucky wrapped his arm around his shoulder forcing him to stay up. Steve glared at his friend trying to burn his arm off his shoulder but does not move to take it away.

 

“A little past seven,” Bucky replied, “we are going out and enjoying the streets of Brooklyn maybe terrorize a few bullies and flirt with a few girls, the usual.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Steve got up stood in front of the mirror and scowled at the sight he saw. He was too small, too bony, too sickly. No one would ever want him. He was tempted to punch the darn thing but he already broke too many mirrors. Steve does not want his mother to waste more money on a new one.

 

Leaving the mirror in one piece, Steve grabbed a newly cleaned shirt and pants. The ache began to seep back into his body. The heat returned in full blaze. But Steve ignored it.

 

 

Steve stood in front of a group of girls who were laughing at one of Bucky’s many jokes. Though he was not listening in the slightest. He looked around catching a girl’s eye from across the room. She smiled at him. Not wanting to hurt her feelings by his disinterest he just shyly looks away. Somehow, it does not get him the desired result. She walks towards him. Bucky notices and smiles encouragingly at him.

 

“Go on big boy,” Bucky pushed him forward towards the moving entity he does not want to meet. She was not _him._ What? That thought confused Steve a lot. He looked around as if looking for someone but could not find them. There was an itch that he could not shake. Steve turned back to see her closing in. Time to play the shy guy act. He was too nice to rudely turn her away.

 

“Hello,” she greeted him. He looked anywhere but at her for a few seconds before looking her in the eyes.

 

“Hi,” he finally replied looking at his feet. She was pretty but it didn’t sit well with him at all. A part of him kept screaming _wrong._

 

“Diane,” she supplied getting a little closer to him. He replied with his name trying to sound a little disinterested. She kept probing him with questions and he gave the shortest answers he could. The more he pulled away the more she demanded. It seemed like the shy guy act was not working. It was starting to get frustrating and a little annoying.

 

“So, what does a guy like you do during the recession,” she asked, “Since you know you can’t be a solider.”

 

“Why is that?” Steve glared at her. This conversation was starting to go south real fast, “is it because I am skinny? Or short? Or too sickly? Tell me what right do you have to tell me that I cannot fight for what I believe to be right.”

“I…that is not what I meant!” the girl tried to deflect but it only added fuel to Steve’s fire of anger. He was about to retort when a strong hand came to his shoulder and squeezed hard effectively shutting him up. Once he heard Bucky start diffusing the situation he zoned out.

 

He felt so alone. Emptiness settled in and the world of people was gone. Steve left the bar leaving Bucky and the annoying girl behind. Outside the air was cold and crisp. The streetlights were dim making it hard to see. Still it was refreshing to be alone in the semi darkness. Steve walked away from the door and down the street when he heard a few footsteps behind him. Walking a little faster Steve turned into the first alley he found. The footsteps stopped and there was silence behind him. He turned.

 

“You know if you are here to beat me up do not expect to me to just lay down and take it,” Steve growled shoving his hands in his pocket to make him look unimpressed. The man was tall and wore a long trench coat with a fedora. He was totally unrecognizable in this get up and lighting. Steve hated fighting opponents that refused to show him their face. The man stepped forward as if to engage only to back up at hearing a shout from the direction of the bar. Steve knew it was Bucky. The distraction of his friend turning the corner was all the stranger needed to disappear from Steve’s presence. Annoyed, Steve just punched the brick wall instead.

 

A part of Steve wanted to fight. It was one of the few times where he felt relief. He felt happy. It helped him momentarily forget his irrational feelings. This guy had offered the release Steve needed but now cannot get.

 

“What was that back at the bar, punk?” Buck started as he stepped closer to him. His friend took his bleeding hand into his and led him back to the street. Steve waited for the oncoming lecture that Bucky _always_ gave him after his fights but it did not come. Perturbed Steve looked up to see Bucky looking back into the alley way angrily. For the first time Bucky was not angry with him. Maybe because it was the first time Steve did not start the fight.

 

“The girl pissed me off,” Steve grumbled.

 

“Not that, the taking off without me part of the story,” Bucky glared. Oh. So he was mad after all.

 

“I couldn’t take it Buck,” Steve whispered letting it all finally rush over him, “I can’t take this aching loneliness that refuses to go away.”

 

“How long have you felt this way Stevie?” Buck asked quietly. His friend did not want to drive him away.

 

“All the time Buck,” Steve suddenly felt like crying. Bucky wrapped his arms around his friend and decided to take him back home instead of back to the bar. He waved off the two girls who waited for them to come back. Sometimes Bucky can be quite the cold person.

 

Bucky took Steve’s keys out of his shaking hands and opened the door for the smaller man. Steve’s mother sat on the couch when she caught sight of her son. Worry filled her eyes but Bucky just shook his head. She lay back down with a sigh. It was getting harder and harder for her to get up. Steve did not see the interaction between his mother and Bucky so made no comment on the matter like he usually would. Steve hated making his mother worry.

 

Bucky and Steve got to Steve’s room without a word spoken between them. It was odd since Bucky almost never stayed silent long enough to leave Steve in his own head so having him there but not talking was strangely haunting. So Steve began to babble instead. He needed to the silence to go away. He needed the noise of life around him even if that source came from him and Bucky. Still Bucky stayed quiet and listened. Steve began to hyperventilate thinking his friend thought badly of him now. That he thought he was no longer worth it. Maybe he made Buck feel like he was not good enough. Damn Steve was a bad friend.

 

“Sshh,” Bucky hummed at him pressing Steve close to his chest. Suddenly Steve let it all go and just cried into Bucky’s shoulder. Buck just held him whispering sweet nothings trying to calm Steve down. But Steve did not stop. He just kept crying.

 

Hours passed and Steve’s crying just lead to him to quietly tremble in Bucky’s arms. It did not feel right but he bit back those feelings and let himself be carried to bed. A part of him was disgusted even. Gosh he was a horrible friend. Steve stiffened himself and let Bucky drape him on top of his chest. They often did this since Steve’s bed was never big enough to sleep the two of them separately.

 

“Steve sweetheart,” Steve opened his eyes a few hours later. He had not slept. He just enjoyed feeling Bucky’s heavy breath underneath him. His mother looked at him softly knowing full well he was not asleep. Seeing his mother pretend to be strong for him hurt him on a deep level of his conscious. If he hadn’t been born she would not try so hard to pretend she was all right.

 

“Hey Ma,” Steve grumbled at her tiredly smiling. She smiled back letting her fingers weave through his hair. Steve loved it when Bucky or his mother did that. It soothed him. Reminded Steve of _him._ There it was again. That vague reference to a hidden person he feels like he knows but cannot grasp to remember.

 

“What’s bugging you Steven?” His mother asked kneeling at the edge of the bed.

 

“Where is he, Ma?” Steve whispered feeling dazed.

 

“Who darling?” She looked at her son with deeply worried eyes.

 

“Anton,” was all he said before he fell into the abyss of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anton is the Swedish origin of Anthony. I kind of envisioned their past lives originating from a place similar to the Vikings and the Nords in the old days. Maybe you can figure out what Steve's old name is ;)


	3. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is description of abuse in this chapter. Sorry I had to put this in there. I have added the tags. Again so sorry! Please read, comment and kudos. I love hearing what people have to say.

**Tony**

_Stark Mansion, 1976_

Tony Stark can officially tell you, as the most intelligent six years old, that he hated grown up parties. He found them quite boring. Everyone just hovered around him and his parents flaunting themselves. They acted like ignorant peacocks showing off their tails. Though Tony would love it if they were peacocks they were easier on the eyes.

 

His father did not did not acknowledge him as he walked away towards Jarvis. Tony felt a small pang in his heart as he spotted a small smile form on Jarvis’s lips as he neared. He wished his own father could smile like that at him. The only time he saw anything close was when his father talked about Captain Freaking America. Man, Tony was only six but he could already tell that he did not like the man. He generally did not like anyone his father liked, so Captain America was quite high on his dislike list.

 

Jarvis grabbed Tony and lifted him up to his hip. The butler carried Tony over to the snacking table grabbing a plate and handing it over to the young genius. Tony took the plate. It was cold to the touch just like how he felt inside. Distracted a little he almost did not notice Jarvis holding out a piece of fruit tart towards him. Straightening out the plate Tony watched silently as Jarvis began to slowly fill the plate with food. Tony loved being handled like this. It made him feel loved even for a short while. Even if he knew it was not really real. If his own father cannot love him then no one could. Tony was not worth the love of anyone, really.

 

After his plate was filled Jarvis put Tony down on a chair in the corner of the room. Just in time, since his father seemed to be searching the room for Tony and if he saw Jarvis carrying him it would have been bad for the both of them. Howard spotted him finally and noticed the plate of food. He nodded at Tony like he would discuss it with the six year old later. Tony just stared at the plate in front of him. He felt a little lost. To distract himself from his train of thoughts Tony began to analyze the makings of the pieces of food on his plate. He began to identify the ingredients as he bit into each piece on his plate. It was child’s play but it did its job.

 

“’Ello,” a small voice spoke up walking towards him. Tony looked up to see a boy standing there. He wore large glasses and his hair was a bit too short for Tony’s liking. The boy was smaller than him which was a hard feet since he was already small in nature.

 

“Hello,” Tony replied, trying to sound indifferent when he was, in fact, ecstatic. He got up and put the plate down on the nearest table and walked over to the other boy in the room. The kid introduced himself as Justin Hammer sticking his hand out for a shake. Tony looked at the hand skeptically but shook it anyway. All of a sudden Tony was bored again and lost again. This kid was trying too hard to act like the adults in the room, so _boring_.

 

“Well,” Tony started, “it was nice talkin’ to you—”

 

“Come I want to show you something!” Hammer smiled at Tony cutting him off midsentence. Tony held back a wince. He hated being cut off, his father did that to him enough already he did not need a pipsqueak to do the same.

 

“Don’t ever cut me off again, ‘ustin!” Tony growled at the kid who began to drag him towards tables full of adults. Tony was not really paying attention to what was happening until it was too late.

 

Crawling under one of the said tables, Hammer pulled something out of his pocket. Tony looked at it intrigued and began to reach for it when a large farting sound erupted from the device. With a gleeful smile Hammer threw the concoction at Tony and waited. Tony just instinctively caught it. The table flap opened, a pool of light shone threw and Howard Stark’s angry face met them. He looked between Tony, the object and Hammer and decided at that moment that it was all Tony’s fault. Tony could see it in his eyes. It was also a look that said he would not change his mind either. Great, punishment later tonight was a definite thing.

 

At that moment Tony Stark hated Justin Hammer. Even his stupid tech piece had a lot of problems just by scanning it with his eyes.

 

* * *

 

Jarvis had wrapped up Tony in a thick blanket when he was led to a different wing in the mansion. The butler tried to cheer the child up but to no avail. Nothing seemed to calm the young master down. Tony was at a full panic attack; rambling on about how it was not his fault but it the words seemed to begin to jumble together.

 

Tony had seen the way the adults looked at him. Their eyes were filled with disgust and disappointment. His father had the worse of them all. His eyes help a cold hatred for Tony. It was a look he almost rarely saw but when he did, it meant a good lashing.

 

In moments like this a small part of Tony prayed. Not to God but to someone whom many considered America’s hero. During these few moments of calm before the harsh cold storm, Tony Stark prayed for Captain America to come save him. But like every other time, his prayers were met with silence. Where was the great hero now? Somewhere out there ignoring his calls for Tony knew, he did not know how, but he knew that the Captain was alive. That he would return someday but just not this day.

 

“So,” Howard came into the large room in which Tony sat in. It was one of the many offices the building had. It was Howard’s favorite spot to beat some discipline into the genius for behavior that Howard did not like.

 

“Father,” Tony tried only to get backhanded across the face. Tony fell to the floor on his hands and knees. He tasted blood.

 

“You don’t get to speak,” Howard growled grabbing a bottle of scotch and taking a large swing from it directly from the bottle, “I have had enough of you today. Not only did you deliberately try to embarrass me, oh no, you had to make yourself seem smarter than I am. Guess what! You are not! You are just a dumb stupid little boy. You will amount to nothing. Why can’t you be more like Steve Rogers? Now he was the perfect man! Why did the world grace me with such a useless brat!”

 

During his ramble Howard stripped out of his belt held it in one hand and grabbed Tony by the hair. Tony hissed in pain as his father dragged him into a kneeling position. Once Howard let go of Tony, the child scrambled to strip out of his thin white shirt. Tony knew Howard hated staining his clothes with blood. It could lead to unwanted questions.

 

So, there sat Tony bare chested, hunched in the corner, waiting for his father to finish his rant. Once Howard took a breath from his long monologue, he raised his belt.

 

* * *

 

It was early morning when Tony finally stumbled into his room. His back was marred with new cuts and lashes from the earlier punishment. He spotted Jarvis standing at the foot of his bed holding up a warm soaked rag to help clean off his back. Looking down, Tony shuffled up to Jarvis and sat on the bed with his back facing the much older man.

 

Jarvis had tried on multiple occasions to report Howard’s abuse of his only son but every time was refuted. It seemed like either no one was willing to believe that the great Howard Stark would hit his child or they were paid real good to look the other way. The butler always suspected it was the latter. He tried on multiple occasions to convince the young Stark to allow him to take him away but the kid had refused to leave his mother behind. Maria Stark was quite oblivious to the situation and neither of the participating parties was willing to inform her of these events. Watching this small child suffer at the hands of his own father crushed him.

 

So the butler did what he could. He stayed by Tony’s side. He was careful. He never let Mr. Stark know how much he cared for the boy because if that man got even a whiff of it you were out the door. There had been some occasions when Mr. Stark had tried to fire him but Mrs. Stark always stepped in to alleviate the situation.

 

Tony watched Jarvis dip the cloth into the dirtying water with very tired eyes. He wanted to sleep but he knew he could not unless he was cleaned up. He had learned his lesson early to always make sure the injuries were treated. If they were not it could end with a hospital trip and those are never fun. He was running out of lies to tell the doctors when they would examine him. He almost confessed the truth to a doctor, which ended up getting him more lashes after he left the hospital. Though Tony never understood how doctors, who claimed to be educated, could believe the lies he tells. Tony always weaved them in a way that there was a chance of doubt but every single one of them just blew off the doubt.

 

After Jarvis finished cleaning him up Tony lay face forward onto his bed. Slowly Jarvis covered his bottom half with a blanket and handed Tony his own self-made Captain America plushy. He loved cuddling and the Captain was the perfect cuddling partner. He made him to his exact liking, of course.

 

“Good night young master,” Jarvis smiled looking into two tired brown eyes.

 

“Night J,” Tony whispered back before falling into slumber.


	4. Three

** _Bucky, Steve_ **

** _Brooklyn, 1939_ **

 

No one could say James Buchanan Barnes did not try. Some would claim he tried too hard. Maybe that is why they ended up where they did. Steve was hallucinating again. Always the same scenario, him asking his deceased mother where ‘Anton’ was. This time, though he was getting physical and loud. Which was why, at three am in the morning, Bucky had to convince the cops that his best friend was not a nutcase. He did not need the stress of Steve being in a mental institution. 

 

“Sir, you need to let us into the apartment,” the officer growled out at him in annoyance. He had his hand on his gun but Bucky knew how to disarm him if he needed to. Police could always get away with shooting someone in these parts of town. 

 

“Get a warrant and I’ll move but until then get the hell out of my front door,” Bucky growled slamming the door in the even more peeved officer. Bucky looked into the moon-lit room that was their room wondering what stage Steve was at. It certainly got quiet in there. Maybe he was finally getting over this episode or it was going to get dramatically worse. Bucky hoped for the former but braced for the latter. 

 

He spotted Steve huddled in the corner of the room on the bed trying to make himself as small as possible. Bucky sighed both in relief and in anticipation. Steve was coming out of his episode but it seemed to have hit him hard. Still, he was thankful that these episodes are becoming few and far in between. How was he supposed to leave for war when his best friend needed him at times like this? He knew Steve would over come it. His best friend had the thickest skin and the biggest heart. 

 

“Stevie,” Bucky whispered approaching the smaller male with caution. 

 

“B-Buck,” Steve replied. Bucky smiled. 

 

“Hey there punk,” Bucky sat at the foot of the bed reaching out towards his friend.

 

“It happened again didn’t it?” Steve whispered looking down at his toes. Bucky let his hands rest in Steve’s hair not really knowing how to reply. 

 

“You are havin’ them less and less,” Bucky finally replied trying to give a nicer take on what just happened. 

 

“But this one was particularly bad,” Steve said finally leaning back and letting his legs straighten out, “but I can never remember what they are about once I snap back into reality.” 

 

“Can’t imagine what you’re going through Stevie but we are in this together.” 

 

“‘Til the end of the line?” 

 

“‘Til the end of the line.”

***

It was hard for Steve to come to terms that Bucky was planning on joining the war without him. Like he was going out there to fight his battles because Steve was too weak to fight them himself. It was always the same damn story. Honestly, it was starting to get on Steve’s nerves. That is when he decided he would try continuously to apply for a position in the army no matter how many times they rejected him. They can only say no so many times before they give in. 

 

So there Steve stood. In front of the officer looking straight at him unbudgingly. The man checked him out and Steve could tell from his eyes that it was going to be his second rejection. Damn it. 

 

“Please sir,” Steve tried but the man had already pressed the stamp to the paper without pause. He just handed it back to Steve with a blank look in his face. Must see this a lot in his line of work. Cannot say Steve blamed him for doing his job right even if he had to pay the price for it. 

 

He stepped out into the cold crisp but sunny day with a huge scowl on his face. He heard a laugh come from his right and was about to defend himself when he realized it was Bucky. His friend stood a foot away from the door laughing at something one of the guys next to him said. At least his best friend was not laughing at him, yet. 

 

Bucky noticed him approach and gave him a pitying look before bidding the other men goodbye. His full attention was on Steve and for that he was thankful. He needed to vent his frustrations out since they were sending Bucky to training camp in a few days. 

 

“I know you feel the need to join in the war, Steve,” Bucky held up his hand to stop his friend from cutting him off, “but sometimes it does not always work in your favor. I know you feel like you need to do something and that your heart and head are telling you that the army is the way to go. I just need you to see it from my point of you too. If you end up going, all I would think about is you. All I would worry about is if you’re alive and if you are being treated alright. I cannot have that kind of stress on my heart Stevie. Save me from that stress and stop trying to smuggle your way into the stupid army. Plus, You get to stay here and have all the dames to yourself you lucky bastard.”

 

Steve stayed silent letting Bucky finish his rant. He knew that no matter what his friend said he was not going to back down. Even though he knew logically that he should he could not just stand around while others gave their lives for this country, for _him_ and not return the favor. 

 

This mission was one of the few things keeping the hotness at bay. It was one of the few things keeping his mind from entering into another episode. Steve needed this like a fish needed water. He could never be able to explain it so Bucky truly _understood._ And Steve hated it. Hated not being able to tell his best friend, his brother what is bothering him. 

 

“You’re not going to stop,” Bucky spoke Steve’s mind. Steve looked down with a blush of shame knowing that he let his friend down. 

 

“You know I can’t Buck,” Steve tried to pacify his friend but he just received a cold stare in return. Bucky must be borderline furious at him. 

 

“Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Bucky requested, “whatever you do just play it safe. I need to know you will make it until tomorrow.” 

 

“Always,” Steve replied with a small smile. 

***

Steve lay on the couch as the clock in their small apartment struck twelve. The room was dark but Steve’s eyes grew used it pretty quick for him to tell the shapes of all the objects in the room. He could not sleep. Or maybe he just would not. It was easier to stay awake than risk him falling into another dream that left him crying out for a man he did not know and a mother who was long gone. 

 

Steve truly feared sleep but there was no alluding it for long. He could feel it begin to creep up in his bones. It started with his legs. They were heavy. Just like his arms were a few minutes after. His limbs were now unresponsive to the lightest of commands. If he really needed to move he would have to jump start his limbs. Sleep continued to creep up on him. 

 

He began to panic. His breathes began to shallow and his sight began to blur. Nothing was helping as he looked around the room to find something to focus on. Maybe his mother’s vase or the broken coffee table the still used. Not happening. 

 

“Steffan,” a voice as soft as silk and as smooth as rivers spoke his name softly in his ear, “it’s okay Steffan. Just sleep. I will keep the nightmares away. I will protect you.”

 

“I am supposed to protect you,” he replied tiredly as his lids began to droop but he could see the man’s smile just before his world faded to darkness. 

 

“Everyone needs protecting at some point,” the voice said, “even you.”

***

Steve awoke well rested the next day. He had not slept like this in a very long time. It felt refreshing to finally get a good day’s rest. He looked around. The sun was up since there was light shinning into the room now from behind the shades of the window. Barely though so it must be early enough for him to make breakfast for Bucky before he has to go to his last day at work. He believes his best friend deserves a well put together meal before being forced into eating military styled food. 

 

So, with that in mind, Steve got to work. He began to hum to himself beats his mom used to sing him from songs she was able to learn here and there. It was nice having something of his mother’s he could use without feeling too disheartened about it. 

 

As time passed and the smell of bacon carried its way to the bedroom, Bucky finally began to stir. Steve could hear his grumbling all the way from their small run down kitchen. Then again, their walls were super thin so they did not help any. After another few grumbles Steve watched his best friend tumble into the kitchen with a tired look and crazy hair. 

 

“Hey jerk,” Steve teased, “think you can make it to the table for some food?”

 

“Dunno,” Bucky grumbled falling into the chair closest to him. Steve placed a plate of food in front of his friend before taking the seat across from him. As it turns out, they ended up sitting at the ends of the table like a king and queen. It made Steve chuckle. He sees them as really poor royalty that is for sure.

 

“This is so good,” Bucky melted into the chair as he took his first bite of the food. 

 

“Well I try,” Steve smiled. after that they ate their breakfast in silence. 

 

After Bucky finished eating he began to gather all his things around the apartment. It broke Steve’s heart watching his friend take away pieces of himself into the small bag. Soon enough everything that represented Bucky would be gone and this apartment was going to be a dull apartment that Steve lives in. Nothing about it will make it seem like home. 

 

***

 

Steve stood at the bus stop hugging himself. Bucky stood there with a sad smile on his face looking down at his feet. He seemed to find them more interesting than looking at Steve in the eyes. So this was the end? This could be the last time Steve ever sees his best friend. 

 

“I love you, Buck,” Steve whispered looking at Bucky straight in the eyes when his friend finally looked up. 

 

“Love you too, Stevie,” Bucky answered placing his fingers on Steve’s cheek. Then he grabbed Steve’s shoulder and forced him into a tight bear hug. Suddenly, Steve was crying. And suddenly, he was alone. Bucky was climbing into the back of the truck. 

 

Steve was alone. The heat set back in. This time it refused to go away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love to read comments and respond to them :)


	5. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look what I found! I kind of really did not like any of the chapters I was writing for this story so I took a step back from it and now I got inspiration to write it again. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Like it? Hate it? What do you think is coming next? 
> 
> Sorry for the long ass Hiatus. Hope you can forgive me.

_ Tony _

_ Boarding School, 1983 _

 

Tony hated the fact that he was in the same damn school as Justin Hammer. Seriously the guy knew nothing but pushing Tony into lockers and making crude and dumb jokes at his expense. Most of the time Tony was able to blow off Hammer’s words but there were times like this where he sat in his lone dormitory on his bed crying. His life was not a happy one. Tony wished he was someone else. Every day he would go to sleep hoping beyond hope to wake up as not Tony Stark. Still, he sucked it up. He was a Stark after all and he had promised Jarvis and his mama that he would do his best. All of this was for them. He was going to be the greatest man alive. He was going to be the richest. He was going to be the smartest. Tony was going to buy Jarvis a  house on the English coastline. Tony was going to steal his mother away and give her all she deserves because Howard was not going to give it to her.

 

Tony was going to own the world one day. Just you wait. All these kids who laugh now will beg to be his friend. They will brag to their friends that they knew him in school. Tony was going to make them all pay. Every single. One. Of. Them.

 

He looked out the window and found his star that he always loved to look at because to him it seemed to always shine the brightest and contemplated what it was like to be just a ball of gas glowing in the ever expanding galaxy. This star was his. He had discovered it first. His mother had bought for him on his tenth birthday and named it Starkadia. This was his even when his father had burnt his ownership papers. Jarvis just ordered him a secret copy that Tony kept hidden away where his father can’t find them. 

 

“I will travel to you one-day Stakadia,” Tony announced to the star. It was his only friend in this hell hole. He hated the fact that he even considered a star, a floating helium gas, a friend. Tony took out his sketchpad and opened a new blank page. He was in the mood to draw so he just began to create models of robots from one clawed helpers to armor like designs. He drew his own armor with the shape of his star in the center of it shining. He knew he should be working on prototypes for his father but he could not bring himself to look away from his armor. 

 

He was going to make it one day. He swore. It was going to be awesome. 

 

* * *

 

Tony woke up surrounded by sketches of a place Tony had never seen or been to. He does not really recall ever drawing them but as he studied them he knew that this was some faraway place that he knew existed just not where. It had this familiarity to it. Almost like home, but that was impossible. Tony has never been to a place that where people still lived in huts. He is not even sure people do live in them still. He should check on that. 

Still, Tony just gathered every drawing and studied each one. The last one he found was facing face down and had wandered to the other side of the room somehow. This one was different than the rest because instead of a place, it was a drawing of a person. Well, a head of a person. He looked strong, fierce with a nordic viking styled hair cut and paint on his person. He looked like someone who could cut you down with his bare hands but for some reason, Tony just thought he looked more like a seriously grumpy teddy bear. Tony put the picture carefully on his desk and decided he was going to keep all these random drawings. They must mean something. He will find out what it is. 

 

_ Steffan,  _ a voice spoke up in the back of Tony’s mind but he shook it off and got ready for class. He rushed around getting dressed and soon the drawings were forgotten. 

 

But it lay there on the desk for days. Tony did not dare touch it. He worked around it. As if he no longer saw it but could not stand to touch it all at the same time. It was not until Tony came back from a beat down did he pick the drawing up. He noticed that the face art on the man was the same shape of his star. That was interesting because, this time, he felt like it meant something different...something old and powerful. 

 

“Who are you?” Tony asked the man on the sketch but no reply came this time. Tony just put the drawing in the box of his personal drawings and hid it away. 

 

* * *

 

“Do you think this is funny, boy?” Howard growled as he sat across from Tony at the dinner table during winter break. It was his last vacation as a high school student. Next school year will be his freshman year at MIT. Of course, Tony had hoped that his father would be kind enough not to show his face but his mother had wanted a family Christmas so Tony sucked it up. Maybe he should have just signed up to stay over winter break. His dorm room had the perfect view of his star. 

 

“Not quite sure what we are talking about at this point,  _ father, _ ” Tony emphasized on the word lacing it with sarcasm. He may have half this man’s DNA but Tony will never see him as his father. Not really. That spot was always going to be reserved for Jarvis. 

 

“You will not back talk me, boy!” Howard growled but Tony’s mama had butted in and diffused the situation. Of course she just thinks it’s just a fight between father and son but it was more than that and Tony hated that she was so blind to it but at the same time very thankful. 

 

“We are not done with this conversation,” Howard warned and Tony knew to bite back his snide comment. He did not want to risk his mother finding out about the beatings. Tony had become a master at lying his way through each cut and bruise. He hated hospitals and doctors anyway so the more he can get away with the better. 

 

Tony just ate the rest of his dinner in silence as his mama talked about her excitement about going to MIT and dropping Tony off to university. At least one of them was excited. Don’t get Tony wrong it was another escape from his dad and he was ready to unleash himself to the world but it was not the university he wanted to go to. Yes, MIT was the best in the fields he wanted to major in and had the best frat parties, Tony yearned for something else. It was actually funny that he had to apply to lesser school’s in secret in fear of ridicule from his father. Most kids would have it the opposite because their parents were sure their kid was not going to get into MIT but for Tony, it was a sure thing. Boring. 

 

Tony wanted to go to a lower ranked school because it was those places where you learn the most interesting things. Tony had attended a lecture at a pretty shitty community college one and it surprised him that he actually needed to take notes. These were the hidden talents who were not able to make it to the large stage. They are the ones who will probably push the world forward without people even realizing it. So Tony, like the rebellious kid he is, applied to other universities like Northeastern University, Boston University, and any university or college that offered his degrees. He had gotten into everyone. It made him quite proud. More so, than getting into MIT because that was for his father but the rest, the rest were for him. 

 

* * *

 

Tony asked Jarvis to take him to the library. The actual library in the middle of New York, not the one next to his father’s study. He held his sketch pad that enclosed his drawing of the man and the village in them and decided that he was going to get to the bottom of where he saw them from. There was no way he had just thought up this place in his mind and drawn such detailed drawing of both the village and of the man with Starkadia on his face. 

 

“Please do not forget to eat your lunch,” Jarvis said handing Tony a paper bag. Tony knew everything in there was a waste to be thrown after he finished because Tony always ended up forgetting about the tupperwares and eating utensils. 

 

“I promise,” Tony gave Jarvis a toothy grin before telling him to pick him up at around seven. Jarvis just replied with a curt five-thirty and Tony knew he had better be prepared to get his ass in that car at five-thirty...which was just four hours away...that sucked. Ugh.

 

Tony saw a video playing and it was all the released footage of Captain America during World War II. Tony just stood there in the recreational room watching the man he loved and hated prance around the screen it was almost ridiculous. Then he saw Rogers’ compass with Aunt Peggy’s picture made a flare of irrational anger and jealousy flare up in his chest. A part of his mind seethed at the sight and Tony instantly just turned and walked away from the video reel playing. It bothered Tony that he had reacted that way. He just could not understand the rationale of being angry over a dead man’s love interest, especially when said the dead man was someone he wanted to hate. 

 

“Hey Tony,” a voice spoke up and in walked in Janet Van Dyne holding her young daughter in her arms. Tony had met this woman a few times and he liked her a lot. Though, he never expected to see her in the library of all places. Then again he never expected to be here either.

 

“Hello Ms. Van Dyne,” Tony greeted formally. His father had made it clear to never address an adult by the first name even if he was told to do so by addressed adult. 

 

“I really wish you would just call me Janet or Auntie Janet. I am not that picky,” she smiled ruffling his hair. Tony just pouted at his hair being messed with but he did not really mind. 

 

“As you wish,” Tony responded with a shrug and Janet just laughed putting down her daughter who ran to the kid’s section instantly. It was storytelling day at the library so Tony should have surmised that there was a possibility that one of his parent’s friends would be here. Still, out of all of them, he was glad it was her. 

 

“So how have you been Mr. Cheekbones?” It was a running joke between them. She was convinced that he had perfectly symmetrical cheekbones but Tony had scientific proof that he, in fact, did not.  

 

“As good as I’ll ever be...how’s Hailey?” Tony tried a bit fearful of Janet getting angry for forgetting her daughter’s name. 

 

“Hope,” Janet smiled teasingly, “that’s her name. One of these days I’m going to have to write in on your person...in fact.” she pauses to take out a black marker, where did she even get one?, pulled his arm towards her and wrote in cursive ‘ _ Hope Van Dyne’.  _ “There. Now you will never forget.”

 

“I guess I won’t,” Tony studied the handwriting a bit before pulling the sleeve down over it. He needed to preserve this. He just did not know why. 

 

“I want you to know a very deep secret,” Janet smiled mischievously pulling Tony closer. Tony was half tempted to tell her he wasn’t a kid to be tricked by such woes but held his tongue. A part of him wanted to know the secret. 

 

“What is this secret?” He decides to say instead.

 

“You are my second favorite person in the whole wide world,” Janet answered, “the first being Hope and the third being my dear Hank. Don't let anyone tell you different.” 

 

Tony just blushed and stammered out a thank you before rushing away from a giggling Janet who just smiled and waved as he turned to look back.

 

Little did Tony know it was the second to last time he would ever see her alive. 

 

* * *

 

His high school career ended as good as he thought it would: with a broken nose, a black eye, and a few broken ribs. His mama had demanded he tell her who did it but Tony just shrugged saying it was over and done with. It wasn't his problem anymore. 

 

He was sent to stand outside next to the car in the blazing heat of the summer waiting for his mama to come back to the car. He was so embarrassed but he knew nothing he would say that will sway her in her road to righteousness. He sure got his stubbornness and determination from her. 

 

She came back looking like she was ready to murder climbing into the car so quick that Tony could barely react. He quickly followed suit and heard his mother grumble, “I swear if one more person tells me ‘boys will be boys’ I will sink every damn lawyer on their asses. I swear who thinks it's okay to beat up on anybody is beyond me.” 

 

“Come on mama,” Tony placated, “I'm going to MIT next fall. It will be so much better. You’ll see.” 

 

“I know bambino. I just love you so much. I can't stand the idea of someone hurting you,” she responded and a dark part of his mind whispered  _ you have no idea.  _

 

“I love you to mama,” Tony snuggled up to his mama even though it was blazing hot he wanted her to know he loved her the most. He really wanted to give her the world. 

 

* * *

 

Tony came back to find his room destroyed. He stood at the door with Jarvis looming behind him like an angry bear who just saw someone mess with their cubs. It was not uncommon for Tony to come home to his father ravishing through his things as if trying to find some dirty secret to shove in his face. Tony was more careful than that. Howard had taught him to be. 

 

“I will get this mess as soon as possible, sir,” Jarvis’s tone was hard and angry but Tony knew it was not at him. 

 

Tony waved him away, “It’s fine, J. I don’t want to bother anyone. I can do it since I know where I want everything to be.”

 

“It insults me that you think I don’t know where to put all your belongings. I have changed your diapers, sir, trust me I know where everything should go,” Jarvis replied making Tony just blush and laugh. Jarvis always knew how to make him laugh. 

 

“Well, in a few weeks I will be gone out of the house again,” Tony said softly. 

 

“And I will always be one phone call away, sir,” Jarvis replied before closing the door softly leaving Tony to deal with his mess. 

 

Instead, Tony just stared at the door for a very long time. He wondered what his father was looking for. The only things that have not been touched where his old Captain America posters had hung when he was obsessed with the man. He’s still a big Howling Commandos and Captain America fan but he outgrew the posters a long time ago...or at least he likes to tell himself that. 

 

“Why can’t you be alive?” Tony just stared at the poster of Captain America raising his shield with a dramatically superimposed background.

 

“At least then Howard would focus on you and forget about my existence. You were after all his greatest creation,” Tony explained further as if the poster of a dead man needed the explanation. 

 

Maybe it was a way to release the tension in his chest. Because now he knows he will never be able to live up to his father’s impossible expectations even if he will damn well try his hardest to do it. 


	6. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this chapter! Let me know what you think! :D 
> 
> I am finally moving the time line up so next chapter will be Tony's POV and it will also be a bigger time jump. 
> 
> They are getting closer and closer to meeting. I'm super stocked.
> 
> This is a gift to myself for finishing my summer classes :D

_Steve_

_New Jersey, 1941_

Steve was nervous as he sat in the back of the big truck to take him to his camp. They had somehow ran out of room on the bus though Steve could obviously see empty seats and was forced to sit with the ammunition boxes. If Steve was not so lost in thought he probably would have put up a fight. But here he sat. Staring at the boxes and crates wondering what they had in them. Wondered if he was going to use any of it. Steve doubted it. The stuff he could see was too fancy for him to touch.

 

The truck hit a hard bump and heard a delayed warning from the driver after they had passed it followed by laughter. Steve glared at the back of the truck before answering, “Hey! Can you not drive like a moron? I could have gotten seriously hurt.”

 

“It's not my problem little man! You should not even be here! How did you get passed the army's tests? You're the reason why I think we need better regulations on who gets in,” the man replied and Steve felt his anger begin to fester. Still, he reigned it in not really wanting to start of his military career on a fight.

 

The rest of the ride to the camp was silent and he looked out to see the landscape and wonder what it will be like to be a real soldier. Steve did not believe that he got his chance and he thank the heavens that Dr. Erskine had decided to believe in him. He felt like he was heading towards his destiny. That he was meant for this. He did not know why but he knew that he was going to go to war and fight. Bucky did not believe him neither did his other friends that always laughed at him for his enthusiasm to be a soldier.

 

Finally, the truck came to a halt and Steve heard noises as the driver talked to someone who seemed to have stopped them. Steve looked through the little flap to see nothing but plain grasslands and trees. It was an isolated place, his camp, and he felt a bit nervous. He never left New York in his life. This was new and he was essentially alone. A part of him wished he had stayed in New York but a larger part of him said that he needed to do this. He never really knew why but he just knew that he was meant to be a soldier. To fight in this war.

 

“The path for you is clear Steffan,” the soothing familiar yet foreign voice whispered in his mind, “we will meet soon. Wait for me.”

 

Steve listened to the voice whispering the last line over and over again in his mind that he missed someone calling him, “-er! Soldier! I need your credentials!” The man looked strict and impatient. Steve swallowed nervous but replied all the same. The man gave him a one over and snorted. It seems like everyone shares the same opinion of him. It did not matter. Steve will show them. He will show them all.

 

The van moved again and Steve just watched the man at the gate stand there getting smaller and less distinct until he disappeared out of view. It took only a few moments to realize that he had finally made it the training camp. Even more, so as Dr. Erskine peared through the flaps giving Steve a wide reassuring smile asking him how his ride was. Steve replied with a bland good throwing the driver and his passenger a dirty look. The doctor laughed and took him to his commanding officer.

 

* * *

 

Steve never felt like his small stature was something to feel bad about until he stood next to the other army recruits waiting for further instruction. Dark thoughts began to swirl in his mind but he had long since learned how to swallow them down. He may be small but he had the courage and will to fight like the rest of them. Even more so.

 

Steve was looking to the ground when he heard a female british voice saying, “Gentlemen, I'm Agent Carter. I supervise all operations of this division,”

 

Steve looked up to see one of the most beautiful women in the world. He felt his heart stutter and his body give a shiver. It seemed like two parts of him were warring with being fond of her or disliking her. Still, he liked that she was willing to stand strong. He even found it amusing as she punched the cocky asshole in the face. Guts. He liked that.

 

She looked at him and gave a small smile before turning around and letting the Colonel take over the introduction. Steve listened to every word. Drank it all in. He was proud to have made it here. Not even the questioning look the Colonel gave him could make him waver. He was going to be a soldier. Fight in the war. Make a difference.

 

Suddenly though he was not in the camp anymore. The yellow field and armor personnel disappeared and instead found himself in a place from a dream…

 

_“They are trying to close in,” an unfamiliar voice spoke to him and he turned and saw a man with sandy blonde hair and an eye-patch looking at him for guidance. The area around them was similar to the camp but the light was just coming out bathing the world in a tinge of blue. The trees were taller here._

 

_“We got the advantage. Don’t move your men just yet,” Steve spoke, his voice sounded deeper but he knew it was him who was talking, “I would like them to keep to the top of the trees. They have better coverage there.”_

 

_“Yes, lord,” the man bowed his head at him before turning and climbing up the nearest tree. Steve watched him until he disappeared out of sight._

 

_“What now Stef,” a more familiar voice spoke next to him. Steve knew it was Bucky_

 

_“Let them come. We are ready,” he heard himself reply…_

 

Steve blinked and he was once again back at camp with an annoyed Colonel looking at him as if he had asked him a question. Steve felt his cheeks burn a bit waiting for him to ask the question again.

 

“We must be getting desperate if they are allowing pancakes like you in the army. We gotta fatten you up boy. It looks like you haven’t eaten a day in your life,” the General stomped away allowing Steve to let out a shaky breath.

 

He saw Agent Carter one more time as she climbed into the car. She locked eyes with him as it drove away and she smiled softly at him before turning away leaving Steve to stare at the back of her head. There was something familiar about her. Like he knew her well but he knew that he did not know her at all. He would remember a gal as pretty as her.

 

* * *

 

Steve felt like he was living a double life. Every time he stepped out onto the training field he seemed to flash into a different world only to be brought back to the present by his trainer calling his name. Still, he did not let the delusions affect him. He put his best foot forward and tried his best at everything they threw at him. He was not crazy. He knew that he was weak. That he was small. That he was slow. But if he could train to be a decent soldier than he could go out there and help them fight the big fight.

 

His commanding officer noticed right away at how good Steve was at reading the field and how fast he strategizes his next step. So on the side, the man took Steve under his wing and taught him about military maneuvers and basic strategy techniques. Steve seemed to soak it all up quick and adjusted his own strategies by figuring out what worked and what did not. He found it stimulating and fun and it helped him feel a bit useful.

 

“If he doesn’t make it through to the field we could always use him in the strategy meetings. That boy is smart. I mean really smart,” Steve heard his commanding officer speaking to the Colonel. The other man gave him a skeptical look before catching Steve looking at them and ended the conversation. His commanding officer turned to see him and smiled.

 

_“Steffan!” A voice screamed, “they breached the wall. They took him!”_

 

 _“You-”_ “-eve!”

 

Steve blinked and saw Peggy-Agent Carter- had bent down to look at him trying to get his attention. Steve smiled shyly and laughed at her tease. He wanted to love her. Steve really did but he could not bring himself to take the next step. Like something was holding him back.

 

Still it did not mean he did not fancy her. She was a strong independent woman. And he liked that. She was the first girl who seemed to remotely ignite any feelings in him other than Bucky.

 

“So you looked like you were far away,” Peggy stood up straight and turned to walk towards the cafeteria, “what were you thinking about?”

 

“Fighting in a battle,” Steve answered honestly but he did not elaborate further not wanting to look silly in front of her.

 

“Very eager, I see. Promise me something Steve. Do your best. Show them that you are worthy of their time. Don't let anyone tell you different,” Peggy gave him a determined look. He did not know what to say so he just nodded. She smiled her smile and walked ahead of him into the cafeteria.

 

It felt significant. Her words. They resonated within him.

 

 _“Be the king you were born to be. Be the king he thinks you are,”_ a female voice shouted in his mind. She sounded desperate. And angry. Her words filled Steve with the urge to fight. He felt like he needed to throw a punch. Guess it was time to head to the fighting grounds. There must be some other recruits still up for a one-on-one fight.

 

He spotted one of his bunk mates standing at one of the corners and asked him for a round. The first time Steve asked the man scoffed but now it was routine. Steve knew that he got at least one of his recruit mates’ respect. Having one was a base. He just end needed to continue and get the others on board too. They’ll see. He’ll be just as good as them. Somehow.

 

It did not stop him from leaving with a black eye and a nose bleed though. The fight lasted longer than usual since Steve had been figuring out different fighting techniques that fit his body and allowed him to out maneuver his opponents much easier. This by no means says he has won any of the fights just survived longer without too much injury.

 

After getting an ice pack from medical, Steve headed to barracks to find his bed had been ransacked again. They seem to make it a habit of toying with his stuff in an attempt to get him to leave. Many people think having him here was a waste of time but what they did not know was that Steve was stubborn. Probably more stubborn than them so if they want to get him to leave they better start upping their game because at this rate they will get nowhere.

 

Dr. Erskine was in the barracks when he got there. The German Doctor looked pleased to see him as he spotted the ice pack, his smile softened. It was odd but Steve liked it when the doctor came to visit. He had finally revealed his intentions for Steve and was waiting for the order for them to head out back to New York for the experiment.

 

Steve hoped that the serum the doctor was talking about would work. It was imperative that it did.

 

“Soon Steffen,” the familiar male voice spoke up in his ear grabbing Steve’s attention away from Dr. Erskine, “we shall be together and you will come back to your former glory. Not that I would not love you as you are but you will need the extra strength to survive the journey.”

 

Journey to where? Steve wondered but he never got a reply.

 

* * *

 

The first time he put on the ridiculous uniform he could hear Bucky laughing all the way from Europe. Even if his friend did not know of his new found strength and physique, Steve knew Bucky would find this too entertaining. Everything about the uniform felt wrong. Even the shield. Especially the shield. Nothing was right. Still, he was going to help the war by doing this...right? An angry side of Steve said _no._

 

During the rehearsals Steve had blanked out a few times disappearing into his delusions of war and grandeur for minutes before being able to pull himself back to reality. Every time it happened it got easier and easier to control but it was not enough. He was glad that the first show ended well. He was able to keep the delusions and dark thoughts away. And with every show after that they got farther and farther away…

 

…until Steve was laughed at when stood in front of the army men. He never felt so humiliated in his life. The angry dark side grew like a peacock and frilled its feathers in triumph. It was telling him that it _told him so_.

 

“Hey,” a familiar female British voice spoke up behind him making him turn his head to see a smiling Peggy looking over his shoulder at his dancing monkey that he had drawn.

 

“Hey yourself,” Steve answered giving her his own smile back. He was trying really hard to fall for her. He wanted to so badly. Even more so since they first met. Still that annoying part of him would not relent. If he could he would punch himself in the face. Why does he have to be so damn difficult?

 

“Don’t take everything they say to heart. Your looking at what remains of the 107th,” Peggy placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

 

He unconsciously shook her off and turned wide eyed and asked, “What unit?”

 

“The 107th, why? Do you know someone in this unit?” Peggy asked but Steve was not listening. All he could think about was the fact that Bucky was not there. That his best friend was somehow gone. Does this mean he’s.-he’s dead? No. No. No. _No. NO. Not again…_

 

_“Steffan! Steffan! GO,” a voice shouted in his mind, “I’m not worth it!_

 

 _“I can’t lose you,” Steve replies, “I already lost_ him _. I can’t lose you too. I will save you my love!”_

 

…“Where is Colonel Phillips!” Steve squeaked out but Peggy just stared at him in alarm.

 

He repeated the question and finally she replied, “writing up-writing up the condolences letters. Listen we can go talk to him. See what happened with the missing soldiers. See what we can do.”

 

They got to the Colonel’s tent and saw the man talking away about some soldier or another being MIA and waiting for the designated type writer to catch up to his latest sentence. Steve cut in before he could continue, “Sir, what happened with the 107th?”

 

The Colonel gave him a questioning look and even more so when Steve asked for one name. When the older man confirmed Steve’s concerns he instantly began to wonder how they were going to save him and the rest of the men but from the looks the Colonel was giving him he knew that was not going to happen.

 

If Steve was going to save Bucky he was on his own. Well, not completely as he turned to look at Peggy and she gave a small swift nod indicating that whatever he was going to do she was in.

 

God bless Margaret Carter.

 

* * *

 

Walking back to camp was hard and tiring. All he wanted to do was crash on his cot and sleep for a week. Still, he pushed on leading the saved troops to the army base camp knowing full well that he will either be seen as a hero or an idiot who got himself discharged from the military for going against orders.

 

The camp got closer and Steve could feel that he was gaining more and more momentum thrusting himself forward at a faster pace in an attempt to get back early enough for some shut eye. No one talked. Not Bucky. Not the saved men who he decided were the true heroes of war. It was dead quiet. The silence was necessary though. A lot of the men were still mourning the loss of their friends who had just gone down in battle. It bothered Steve but he knew he could not save everyone but he wish he could.

 

“So parading around as a clown now, huh punk?” Bucky finally spoke up for the first time since they started the journey.

 

“Yeah,” Steve smiled bashfully, “they call me Captain America. I just...I wanted to help in the war and if I had listened to Colonel Phillips I would have been stuck on the sidelines. At least this clown costume helped me do something rather than sit around fiddling my thumbs.”

 

“Hey! I’m not judgin’ if you had not come I think I would have probably be left for dead,” Bucky laughed patting Steve on the shoulder.

 

“Yeah you’re probably been singing praises that I have not been fightin’ on the front lines,” Steve shoved Bucky playfully.

 

“Well of course! I can’t have you out on the front lines without any back-up. You made me promise not to finish the war without you,” Bucky smiled before turning to look in front. Steve saw his friend’s smile fade away in an instant. It hurt to see him this way.

 

Steve knew Bucky and lot of the men were angry. He knew that they felt abandoned even if they understood the protocol and the risk. It did not matter. They still felt like they have been left to die and many of them are probably thinking that they did not expect to be here today or ever. It made Steve feel somewhat sad.

 

The gates opened and all the saved soldiers and stolen machinery poured in and mingled with the remaining surviving soldiers and pals. Cheers had erupted and it seemed like the anger and stress of the ordeal faded away. People were glad to be alive. People were glad to have their friends and battle mates back. It made Steve smile. It was never about him even as Bucky called out for a round of applause. It was never about him even as the Colonel came up to him thanking him. It was about the men behind him. They were the true warriors. They were the real Captain Americas.

 

Steve saw Peggy and she looked like she wanted to both hug him and lecture him at the same time. He could feel her exasperation and fondness from where he stood. Peggy really was a strong and wonderful woman.

 

* * *

 

When Steve picked up the vibranium shield for the first time it felt like coming home. Steve could not understand why but it gave him reminiscent feelings. Nostalgia. Holding the shield up made him feel comfortable in his own skin. He smiled allowing his fingers to trace over the metal.

 

“You’re looking at all the vibranium we have,” Stark commented watching Steve look down at the shield in awe, “I think its best use is with you. It’s a shield worthy of Captain America.”

 

Steve felt his smile begin to fade. Not that he did not like Howard, Steve liked him well enough but sometimes Steve felt like all the man saw was Captain America and not Steve Rogers. Still, Steve enjoyed the other man’s company. He, too, made him feel nostalgic. But the darkness within his mind wanted him dead but Steve had gotten used to ignoring it.

 

Since then, Steve had recruited the same men he rescued from the Hydra base to help him take down more of them throughout Europe and traveled all over to find the Red Skull and his minion Zola. With every base a dread began to grow in his chest. Like he was getting closer and closer to the end. A part of him did not expect him to survive the war. He shook those thoughts away. He was after all Captain America. He was untouchable.

 

That was at least the truth up until Bucky fell to his death. Steve felt himself lose what little he had left. A part of his mind broke and another seemed to reach out comfortingly. The darkness was welcoming him urging him to continue. Steve stood at the opening staring at the cliffside knowing that he was far gone from Bucky now. Steve took a breath and let the anger and fear in for only a moment. For only a second. Once that second was over Steve went on to finish his mission wishing so much that he could kill Zola. But even Steve knew that the man was more useful to them alive.

 

That night Steve dreamed about him. About the mystery man he sometimes called Anton. He would stand next him and press himself closely to Steve. Steve let the man take control. Let him talk to him. Sooth him. It was almost heartbreakingly peaceful. The man said things he did not fully understand but it made him feel comforted all the same.

 

“Dive, Steffan,” the man said as they stood in front of a pool of water, “you are ready to see the truth.”

 

Steve looked at Anton but could not really see his face but he smiled all the same. He looked back at the water and lifted his foot and-

 

His eyes shot open and he sat up on his bed drenched in sweat. Steve’s breath was labored and harsh. He looked around wildly trying to take in his surroundings. A part of him was looking for Bucky. He always came to his side and comforted him but that was when he remembered. Bucky was gone. Bucky was dead.

 

Steve had a mission to finish. He was going to do it even if it cost him his life. Bucky deserves justice. Deserves to have Hydra burn to the ground.

 

* * *

 

When Steve dived into the arctic waters it felt cold and painful. It was instant. He felt his breath begin to give and his body begin to panic trying to move from his spot but he knew it was too late.

 

Anton was back this time standing in front of the window of the plane and said, “you’re coming home now Steffan. Hang in there. We will be together soon. I need you to do one last thing, Steffan.”

 

Steve looked at the man’s face and for the first time in his lift he could see him and man was he beautiful. Steve let out one last remaining of his breath in a small happy sob because he was not fully alone. He had Anton at least to keep him company.

 

“Dive Steffan,” Anton said pressing his hand to the window, “I need you to dive now!”

 

And Steve dived into the pool and he was gone into the abyss of memories. He was going to be fine. He will be with Bucky again.

 

 _I really am home._   

 

Steve’s world faded to darkness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come follow me on [My Tumblr](queendophne.tumblr.com)


End file.
